Lauren of All Trades, Beyoncé of None

It dawned on me this week that I don’t really have a skill. I’m no good at art, I can’t sing in tune, I don’t play a musical instrument and I don’t do any sport. I’m average at makeup, an alright swimmer and I don’t cook. I’m mediocre at a lot of things, but not exceptional. I’m a Lauren of all trades, Beyoncé of none.

There is a well-known phrase that says someone can be a Jack of all trades, and a master of none; meaning they are average at a lot of different things but aren’t that great at any of them. I’m a Lauren of all trades; I give a half-arsed attempt at different things and they seem to turn out averagely well, but I am Beyoncé of none. I don’t have an impressive skill, nor do I have a natural talent that puts me into the master category.

There are loads of skills or talents I wish I had. I have friends that can sing, dance, draw… all these really fun talents to have, talents that often stem from a natural gift. You’re either born with it or you’re not, and I was not. So, at 25, I’m old enough to know that I will never be an amazing singer, I’m not likely to be a professional on Strictly Come Dancing and I probably won’t find fame and fortune as an artist.

Talents I Wish I Had

Singing: Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE music and I’m pretty good when it comes to remembering lyrics, album titles, band trivia etc. I would even go as far as giving myself 10/10 for enthusiasm when it comes to singing in the car. Imagine waking up and being able to sing as well as Adele. She could sing out my McDonalds order and it would sound heartfelt, emotional and Grammy-worthy. If I were to sing the same order, it would merely sound like a messy drunk ordering McNuggets with one of every sauce available. If I could sing as well as Adele I would never just talk, I would only ever speak to people in song form. Everyone would hate me, but I wouldn’t care because the only friends I’d need would be my awards and album sales.

Drawing: Sure, I can draw a pretty good elephant’s arse, but that is it. People? Nope. Any other animal? No way. Elephants from the front? Not a chance. Landscapes? Wouldn’t even bother trying. My skills extend as far as being able to draw the same mediocre house everyone can manage (you know the type… door in the middle, windows either side, possibly a path and a tree if I’m feeling adventurous). Being able to draw well would be so fun, I would draw everything! I’d go to galleries and sketch things and I’d sit whimsically in the park with my pencils ready to tackle a beautiful landscape. The best I’d be able to manage would be ‘TREE’ in bubble writing and then concentrating really hard to colour it in without going outside the lines.

Dancing: Right, I can dance as well as the next average person. I’m not overly awkward in a club, I can rock along just fine at gigs and I am pretty excellent at the Hoedown Throwdown thanks to Hannah Montana. However, I think it would be so cool to be able to dance properly. I watch a lot of Dance Moms and struggle to understand how Maddie can be so talented. SO talented. It’s not fair to the rest of us mere mortals. I want to wear fun costumes and tap around the place effortlessly.

Gymnastics: I took gymnastics lessons when I was younger, as a lot of people do, and I can still just about manage a cartwheel or a handstand. I was happy with that until the Olympics happened and I saw people defying gravity, flipping all over the place and effortlessly tumbling here, there and everywhere. I can barely lift my own body weight and occasionally walking up stairs seems like too much effort.

10/10 for people with those talents, 3/10 for my average to poor attempts.

I also wish I could juggle.

beyonce I am not


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